Happy mother's day mom, I fuckin hate your guts.

Dear Mother,

I am not quite sure how to put this. No matter how much of a bitch you are, I love you. I'm not sure how I can love a person like you. Yes, I understand you gave me a life to live. However, throughout my life, was it necessary to say everything is my fault? Was it my choice to be born? I did perfectly fine with you not getting involved in my life. You never attended any of my graduations or any of my ceremonies of my proud moments.

Perhaps it was the language barrier that was created while I was growing up. We didn't really speak the same languages, which made it difficult to communicate with each other. However, language barrier or not, I never felt the love from you mother. I am the youngest child and was always treated as the baby. I was spoiled when I was younger, however I was always treated as the runt in the family.

When I refused to wash my hair, I hated how you dumped my head in the toilet until I nearly drowned. Threw away all the small insignificant things like my toys in the trash because I refused to listen to you. When you were angry, you would take all your anger all out on me and scream at me. I hated how you would lock me in the room as I cried as a baby. No one had the keys to come and hold me quietly. Mother, you were horrible to me.

Coming back from the doctors and getting shots on my arms, I cried and felt tired. When we got home you hated me so much, you threw me in the trashcan. I was too little to get out of those big trash bins and remembered only that my biggest bother was carrying me out. Mother, it wasn't hard to tell that you honestly hated your own kids, or at least me.

I never understood why I was such the odd child in the family. I liked the most different things and and honestly? No one in our family has eyes like mine. I don't care what you did back in your days. I'm perfectly fine knowing or not even knowing who else you have been with. I honestly don't care. It's just how you treated me.

When I was sick, I hated how you forced food into my mouth until I threw up. You screamed so loud at me for doing so. Mother, you hated your baby child. I have no idea what I done wrong to you but father sure loved me dearly.

When big brother was beating me to the ground, you were watching me bleed. You did nothing to protect me from your favorite son. As I came to you for a hug, hoping for comfort and what not. I received none of that from you. You just lectured me telling me that I have to listen to big brother. Just because he apparently knows better, doesn't mean so mother.

Til this day, you blame me for everything in your life. It has been over a year now that you are yet upset with me because I wouldn't allow you to claim me on your income tax. Mother, understand this please, you would of owed money rather than gain money due to my income. You blame me for going to school and working a the same time. When really, from the beginning you never really wanted me to go to college.

Mother, I love you. I have always felt abandoned by you. I never wanted to be home and always distant myself from you. You drove me to the curb and logically, I could never understand how I can love a person like you. You were the worse person I have ever met. Throughout all these horrible events in my life, Mother, you were the one thing in my life I could never understand. Life was different growing up with you.

To love a child is to love yourself. Mother, love who you are, because surely, I do.

Love,

Anna

Sex.

Interesting concept isn't it? Why is it okay for men to talk about their sex life and not women? Is it just too weird? Or is it because the mannerism is a little different towards society. For women to have sex with many different partners, they are considered as a whore. For men, it's just called being a man. However, that is always let go, for men at least.

Can I be honest? I am completely unhappy with my sex life. I suppose I use sex as the reassurance that you still find me attractive. I'm not much of a "let's talk about feelings" type of girl. Just show me how much you love me.

The way a man has sex with you demonstrates how much he loves you. If he is more focused on you, then he loves you. If he is focused on himself, then he doesn't have much interest of you. Or then again, he can just be a pig.

I supposed from my past, being sexual was always programed in my head. Psychologically, when your traumas happen at a young age, it's something you turn to when you are older. Does that make sense?

Sex is not valued as it was before. As long as you are being safe and and being checked yearly, then it just seems to be normal. Do you ever wonder how sex would be like with another individual other than your significant other? I'm sure that has come across through everyone's mind. I know that I have wondered.

I've spoke to you many times that sex is something that is necessary to me. That may seem a little weird for a woman to say that. Then again, I am at a young age. Sex and age, does it really matter? At this stage in my relationship, I feel it really does matter. In the beginning of the relationship it used to be constant, now it's just once in a long while. Sometimes, when men say that they hate the idea of being rejected when wanting to have sex with their girlfriends, I feel like it's a lot worse when men reject you.

Women aren't used to being rejected compared to men. I suppose that all my life it isn't rejection that always comes down to it, it was always failure. I can never really make you want to have sex with me. With you, it seems as if when it's a no, it really means no. Not even seducing would persuade you. To reject a woman, you are rejecting her as a whole. Women always want that reassurance that we are loved, it just seems really difficult to see it right now. Perhaps that is why I rather build myself a barrier and bury myself in my work so I wouldn't worry so much of it.

I still don't understand how men feel when they are rejected, but I can honestly say, being rejected by your significant other, is by far the worse feeling.

" Good outweigh the bad. "

Necessarily, I don't believe that the good outweighs the bad. I suppose that it is based upon opinion of course. Can you completely stay in a relationship where the arguments just don't make sense and the nights are just so lonely? I seem to always be at the same spot in every direction I turn. After the long-run, it always ends up with, "Love is for everyone else, but it's not for me." I honestly feel that this relationship has that capability to make it through.

What is it that this relationship is trying to get through? Is it the utter possibility to keep hanging onto the relationship to make it worth while, or is it just for a playful moment?

No one is perfect in this world. I want to apologize for all the wrong I have done. It is at my fault, however, I feel no remorse or guilt towards my action. I felt as if it was a fulfillment of something voided with you. I feel that love is such a strong word that only last for a short few years. Isn't love also based upon how you grew? What is the meaning of love? Such questions that I have been wondering these past few years now. I went from ever long lasting relationships to the wonders of wanting to be on my own. Is it the company that we are longing for? The need and love that society as a whole needs to survive emotionally, therefore as physically as well.

I want so many things in life. I always say that I want to share those things with someone. When in reality, I take a good look at myself, and I realize, I haven't let anyone in my life at all. I am incapable of relying on a single individual for any emotional support, but yet for some physical support. What is it that happened to me in my past that made me feel as if relying on someone was never an option? I feel like I already know. I just don't know why it just built up to make me feel like this. To create a huge barrier, where no one can get in, not even my father.

" No. It's not that. "

It isn't really called cheating, it's simply fulfilling something you were missing.

"I miss you." It feels wrong to say that. I feel like my love just depreciates after two years into the relationship. No matter how happy or great the relationship is, I just want to get away. I want to be single and explore my options, is that wrong for me to think this way? Work doesn't help me much. I am constantly meeting new people and seeing the same people all the time. Just simple little phone calls here and there, and perhaps just a little flirting. I miss the feeling of keeping a man guessing if I am into them or not. I miss the chase, I miss being chased. Or perhaps just being friendly to the point where, it keeps you smiling everyday.

I want that recognition. I want the feeling that someone else new wants me. Someone who wants to be with me and make me happy. I know we are at the stage of comfort, but I feel like I need the excitement. I can honestly say I am bored. I want things to be with the flow, planned but yet a flow. No thinking logically or critically, just "going with the flow". I want to be capable of just sitting somewhere and talk to them for hours, just about anything. I want to be able to sit there with someone and just not say anything to each other. Sitting there without feeling the tension or awkwardness of silence.

Things seem to fall apart and yet fall together constantly. I have moments where, when we argue about the most silliest things, I just want to get away from you. Perhaps that's why love is always a thought for me. It's a consistent thought of who. Should I stay with you because I love you? Or is it the age factor that plays a role, where I want to be single and be at my independence without you by my side but as a friend. Course, I want to see other people, but I want you too.

I know it's not fair. I see it differently now. We aren't going to stay together until someone just falls out of love. I feel like you just want to keep arguing about the most silliest things in the world and just not want to think for a moment about what you say or how you say it. I'm at the brink of breaking down right now. I'm not happy with you. I'm not happy of your communication skills and how you bring yourself up. We are two completely different people who live completely different lives. You take care of me and I always feel safe when I'm with you. It's just how you communicate with me, I hate it.

The summer when everything started to fall apart.

Sometimes things just don't go the way you planned it. It's really different on perspective and past experience of each individual to really understand what really went on in the world. I started working here as a part time employee while I was juggling two jobs to seek what I really wanted to do. I started here with a mind set, I wanted to change the store around and make business run wild. It was a bit different, because it was so family-like, it felt like a safe home. After the scene of role play in the movies, it felt so surreal til this day. Rumors will always be rumors, and the real story will never be heard because it is never understood. I guess you can say it is normal for a victim to hide herself away after something so traumatizing. Then again, other people have different ways of coping with things. There will always be oppositions of what we may think of this man. He is a kind, honest, and loving man. It's like knowing the nicest person in the world. One who has never done wrong in the past, does all they can to make life easier with a helping hand. He was always picked on at school because he was so nice to the world, always had a hard life because he was incapable of doing what he really wanted to do, was live in a fantasy where reality wasn't so complicated with problems. Rather, he made problems go away with his wise man talk and spread his kindness to create jobs where we starving college students needed help. What happened was wrong, but it takes a strong person to understand the good and the bad. It's different when it's happened to another person, but I guess it's different for those who never experienced it. Out of all my life, I have always been on the defendant's side. Some people will never understand why, but it takes time to let go of knowing that you were a victim, but also was trying to understand the defendant's side and kept in mind, shit just happens to people. We're getting a new owner now. I've witnessed it with my own eyes, seeing them sign the store away. I met the new owner, his ideas and drastic adjustments just depressed me that night. The effort and heart we put into the store to try to make it work, it's all going to waste. As of our job being at stake, we are going to be let go. Sometimes these things just happen too quickly that it felt as if our life is exactly what they say, short.

From the words of a wise man "Take care of those you love for those are the ones who will be there for you in your darkest days."

We love and care of you. You've taught us so much more than just being a boss but we've gained a loving friend.